When is it my turn?

If I were to be be good at anything, it’d be procrastination. I mean, I literally procrastinated my own birth. My poor mother was in labor with me for a solid week. Bless her soul, but she did get the wonderful blessing of me. #humblebrag

I started my mission papers back in December. I know what you’re thinking. “Holy crap. That was like a long time ago. You still haven’t submitted your papers yet?” I know, I know. Slightly embarrassing, but let me tell you why. I started my papers then simply because I could and because I was able to start my papers then, that is obviously when I should start them. Hey, Claire, that’s not how things work. There’s a little thing we like to call “The Lord’s timing”.

It wasn’t until about a month ago that this kinda occurred to me. I was talking to my mom about how extremely frustrated I was that all of my friends were getting their mission calls and it seemed to me that there was one thing after the other that I still had to do, and then my mom being all wise and powerful said, “Hey, did you ever think about how maybe you just aren’t supposed to go yet?” Hey, um, did you ever think of telling me this sooner? What the heck, Claire.

The whole mission paper thing was a real struggle and a half. I started them and I was all excited and then about 2 months later after not really working on them, I was like, “Hold up, I never actually prayed about this. My life wasn’t working out so I just kind of figured this is what I gotta do.” And thus we get to the phase of our life where it’s us drinking Mt Dew whilst watching Bohemian Rhapsody for the millionth time at 2 am and painting while we mutter over and over, “What am I doing with my life?” Then I was all, “Yo, prayed about it, Feelin good. I feel good. Lovin myself. All is well.” And then life says, “Oh, you’re doing good? Psyche, here’s some mental health issues. You thought that was rough? Now try and look in the mirror and think you’re pretty. You won’t.” Then that was a whole thing so put off the papers YET AGAIN. Finally got my papers done, just had to submit them to my bishop, but I was terrified. This is a big life change. I’m just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world, and by lonely world I mean I had a few friends and most of them were in their 70’s. I had to leave everything behind to hopefully change some peoples lives for 18 months? I could barely handle high school at times.

My sister called me up and told me that the missionaries were coming over that night to share a message and that I should come. I was not about to pass up the opportunity to meet some cute missionaries. Hey, you can look at the menu, you just can’t order. So I went over and was telling the cute elders how I was scared out of mind to submit my papers. They gave me some good advice and then prayed for me. You read that right. Cute elder missionary man prayed for me. I went home and submitted my papers to the bishop that night.

Finally my life was back on track and nothing was gonna stop me now. WAIT. Of course something else had to come up. The following Sunday, my bishop got released. I had known my bishop since I was 12 and we were best pals. Now you’re telling me that as soon as I had gotten my life together, he was no longer my bishop? I had to meet with my new bishop and talk to him. I told him how I wanted to meet with my therapist one last time to see how she felt about me going and if I could learn anything else to help me cope with my mental health issues. That went great. Now I had to meet back with my bishop and then hopefully the stake president, but of course not because that would be too easy. My bishop explained to me that because I had put down on my papers that I struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, I had to do what’s called a “pre mission assessment”. It’s basically the same thing I did with my therapist, but official.

I got the paper work for that and let me tell you. I had struggled with anxiety in the past, but for some reason, after seeing some of the questions it had asked me, my anxiety was through the roof. I mean, panic attacks, nervousness anytime I thought about the paperwork, more crying. It was no bueno. After 2 weeks and many, many words of encouragement from my lovely friends and family, the paperwork was filled out. Spoiler alert, the paperwork wasn’t that bad and I was just being overdramatic. My biggest fear with the assessment was that they were going to tell me I couldn’t go. That I was too emotional. That my issues were bigger than I was.

I was supposed to have my assessment this morning, but I had to work and had no way to get out of it. I’ve gotta schedule another for some other time where I am free, but that’s besides the point. The point is, if it were up to me, I would have left back in June. I wanted to leave right after my birthday, but Heavenly Father has a funny way of doings things. You’ve got to learn a few things. Grow and stretch a bit. Maybe figure a bit more about yourself. Like I said earlier, I was frustrated all of my friends were getting their calls and getting ready to leave and it seemed that I was in the same place as I was 6 months ago. The truth is, I’m not. 6 months ago, I struggled with some of the worst depression I had ever dealt with in my life. 6 months ago, there were days I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror and had to cover it with a blanket. 6 months ago,I relied too much on others to fix my own problems instead of admitting I had issues and fixing them myself.

As much as I wanted to go as soon as I turned 19, I wasn’t ready. I’ve learned that instead of getting upset with coworkers or random drivers, loving was a lot easier and a lot kinder. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not always be my best and there are different versions of the best me everyday. I’ve learned that going my own pace and doing what I feel comfortable with is not a bad thing and I should never feel like a burden if I go a bit slow. I’ve learned that no matter what, Heavenly Father has always got my back even if it feels like I’ve messed up too much or cried too much or even if I feel alone. I’ve learned that I’ve still got a long ways to go until I truly am the best version of me, but for now, we’ve got to celebrate the little victories and understand that we are all trying.

We choose to come unto Christ knowing that we can be perfect, not alone, but with Him. Perfection doesn’t happen overnight with anything. It’s okay to stumble. Just know that Christ always has His hand outstretched to us whether we want it or not.

That’s all I got. I’ll let you all know as soon as the papers are submitted. I know we’re all dying for that day to happen 😉

all the love x