This past Monday, I finally received my mission call. I woke up from a nap to find a text message and email saying “Your mission call is now ready to be viewed.” If you ask my mother, the screams that came from my mouth almost sounded painful. I was in a daze, shocked. I ran up the stairs. “It’s here! It’s finally here, What do I do?” You spend so much time preparing for a moment that when it finally comes, you’re not really sure what to do. My dad was on his way to work and due to the storm, couldn’t turn around, but he pulled over to a gas station to listen. I grabbed my grandparents and brother and called my siblings and other grandparents and finally opened it.
My hands were shaking and my hair was messy and everything seemed to be moving so fast. I opened it and it starts out with, “Dear sister Fannin,” The usual, but I just started crying. After so much time, the moment was here and I was not ready. It gave a long explanation about how I will be held to high standards and serving the church is a blessing and all that fun stuff. It seemed to last forever. Finally, it said. “You are assigned to labor as a service missionary in your local community, giving Christlike services while living at home.” I’m gonna be honest, I rolled my eyes. Are you kidding me? I waited all that time just to find out that I’m staying home? I cried and not in a good way.
I’m embarrassed to say it, but I was not happy. I was disappointed. I was angry. I was upset. All of my friends are leaving or have left and they tell me all of the things to look forward to in the MTC or how strange it is in the mission field, and I get none of that. I don’t get the sad goodbyes which is lucky, but I wanted that. I even bought luggage last year, but I guess I won’t be needing that. I don’t get the joyful reunion at the airport. I don’t get the big farewell. I mean, I still get a farewell but it won’t be the same because I’ll see everybody the next week. I don’t get to call or email my family every week, because I’ll just tell them everything at dinner that night.
All of these things I looked forward to, and I’m not even leaving. I wanted to be grateful and I wanted to be excited, but I just wasn’t. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t capable of serving a full time mission, because I certainly was. I wanted to leave more than anything just so I could finally have something that was my own. My own journey. My own experiences. My own lessons. I still get that, just not in the way I wanted or expected.
These past few days have been full of crying. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going. Heavenly Father knew how much I wanted this. How badly I wanted to leave. I thought about the kids I went to school with that were forced to go on missions and still got to go somewhere cool. Didn’t He know that I wanted this more than anyone or anything? Didn’t He realize the sacrifices I made to get to this point? Didn’t He realize that I would consider not going if I were to stay home? I didn’t want to do it the moment I realized where I was going. What was the point? I wouldn’t be changing lives here. I would be stuck here while I got to hear everyone else’s experiences out in the field. I was not a happy camper.
I met with my stake president last night to talk about what exactly I would be doing. Spoiler alert, did you know that when you get your mission call that you have to write an acceptance letter? I thought by clicking ‘OK’ I was in the clear, guess not. Anyways, he asked how I was doing and if I was excited to serve. So I said yes, ya know, like a liar. We talked for a bit and he kept saying, “I bet you were confused when you got your call.” Sir, confused doesn’t even begin to cover it. He sat there for a minute and then said to me, “I get the strong impression that I need to remind you that this is not a lesser call and the Lord is very mindful of you in this time and that you need to trust in the Lord and have faith in the process.” If that doesn’t prove that the Lord speaks to people, I’m not sure what does. I tried my best not to be embarrassed, but I mean, come on. I basically lied to my stake president and he caught on almost immediately.
I’ve had a change of heart since I got my call. Thank goodness. I mean, I’m still kind of bummed that I don’t get the typical experiences, but I definitely get my own experiences that not many other people do. There’s a lot to be grateful for. I finally have answers. Some. I still don’t know where exactly I’ll be serving. I have to wait for a senior couple in my area to contact me and then we’ll decide where I want to go. My call said that I would start within 30 days, but I’m kind of hoping it’s longer for many reasons. I’ll be quitting my job. I think. I hope. Might be buying a car, but that is still way up in the air. A lot of change still.
I think I’ve finally accepted that I’m staying home. It’s a weird feeling, but I guess I’m kind of glad I’m stuck here for another 18 months. The people here are really good to me, and I’m not sure I could find that anywhere else. Be on the lookout for updates.
I appreciate the support through absolutely everything. It’s been the longest and most frustrating process of my life, but we made it. Mostly. I want to say thank you to my parents who have been through every appointment and have listened to every rant. They’ve dried every tear and offered their continued support to me and it means the world. There have been plenty of times they could have told me to suck it up, but they didn’t. Much love for them and all they do for me.
To my friends who have let me come over just to cry and vent for not knowing anything, I appreciate it greatly. To my ward family who have watched me grow up, sorry for the ages of 12-18, not sure what happened, but I’m glad you still talk to me and support me. To my coworkers who see more mental breakdowns than I care to admit, I’m glad you’re in my life. Thanks for putting up with early morning Claire. There are sooo many people to thank, but just know I appreciate absolutely everything you have done for me. For reaching out. Not to brag, but I’ve got the best support system out there.
here’s to an unknown future and many lessons to be learned like gratitude and faith. all the love, claire
Claire's blog 