Claire's blog

I never would have thought that I would be in love with serving a live at home mission, but honestly I’m so lucky. With all that’s happening in the world and some of my friends not sure what they’re missions are gonna be like, for the first time in months, I finally have some certainty of what the next few months will be like for me.

Now to skip the boring stuff and get on to what happened this week. Honestly this week has been wild from start to finish for me. Lots has happened. I bought a car. Quit my job. Well, last week, but still. Went on my last date for the next 18 months. Got set apart as a missionary. Started my mission. Met some of the coolest people. It’s been rad. Now to dissect it a bit.

THURSDAY:

I didn’t get much sleep the night before because I was pretty nervous and I’ve got a knack for overthinking everything. I woke up at the wee hours of 6 AM and started my studying. Even as a service missionary I still have a morning routine I have to follow. It’s a bit weird to do it all on my own. I studied for an hour and then got ready for the day. The cool thing about serving at the studio is they’re pretty laidback about what I need to wear. I don’t have to wear a dress everyday, but I’ll be wearing mission clothes if I’m working behind the desk. I can wear jeans and a regular shirt if I’m doing any kind of service so basically having a spare change of clothes in my car is required. Anyways, after getting ready and all that jazz I ate some breakfast and I was on my way. I had to leave at 8 that day to be there by 8:30, but normally I don’t have to be there until 9.

I got there and thankfully knew one of the sisters from a mission conference we had a bit ago so she could show me the way. Met some missionaries and it was so cool to see how close they were with each other. There’s about 45 missionaries serving there, but some of them have other places they serve at so they’re not there everyday.

Anyways, every morning they start off with a devotional at 9. We open with a prayer and then the mission theme and then announcements and then tasks are assigned. With it just barely getting out of winter, they don’t have much projects to do, but with virus going around they’ve been doing a lot of cleaning. They trained me a bit on the front desk so I’ll be there every Monday and Friday morning from 8-10ish so don’t call around those times. Kidding. It was a bit nervewracking, but it’s pretty chill and I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. After that, another sister kind of showed me what she does and honestly it was pretty fascinating. Her whole job is basically production manager so what that means is when someone wants to film a project, they call her and give her a budget and a deadline for when they want to be done with everything and then she calculates it all by assigning a certain amount of money to each section and a certain amount of time. It’s not always divided evenly because some things just don’t take as long. So for example, the Book of Mormon videos. I’m not sure if we do that section, but just go with it. So they would call us and give us that information I just explained and then we have a little spreadsheet and a program we enter it in. So we’ll give them a few days to get an idea of what they want to do, find a location, casting, and them give them a certain date to be done by. This is very important because if they get one day behind schedule, the whole thing could get all wack. Then we give a certain amount of time to film and a certain amount of money. And then to edit, the same thing and it just repeats itself until the project is finished. Most of the time, they have different frames of editing so different amounts of money and time go into each of those. It’s pretty simple overall, but it was cool to see the behind the scenes of figuring it out.

After that we ate lunch with everybody. Nobody said anything about my Spiderman lunchbox so that was a bummer. After lunch, we went back to the mission office which is a small space they all hang out in or where we had our devotional that morning. In the afternoon, we have another devotional kinda thing so we sing a hymn and say another prayer and then depending on the day we separate into groups and do the study assigned for that day. So on some days, we study come follow me in the groups we’re assigned to. On another day, we do Book of Mormon catch up and that’s a goal they all have at the moment which is to finish reading the Book of Mormon by general conference. On this day, we read Joseph Smith history since President Nelson invited us to read about the restoration of the gospel for conference. Then we all got together afterwards to discuss it a bit and then we went our separate ways to finish our tasks. I got to do some orientation stuff. I learned the true definition of a date so take notes boys. The 3 P’s. Paired off, paid for, and planned, If it’s all 3 of those, that’s a no no. If it’s not, dump the guy. That’s what the elder told me anyways. Then I had to learn how to do a few basic things they all do like they have their own app that they use to communicate and have goals to follow so learned how to do that. They also focus a lot on what you want to do for a career after the mission so you’re not totally clueless which is nice. So if there’s ever a time where I don’t have much to do, I can study and learn more about what I want to do.

After that, I went back to the front desk and then learned more on how to do that so I wasn’t just thrown into it the next morning. There’s not an official time we all leave at, it just kinda depends on when you got there in the morning and if all of your stuff is done. Typically, most of them leave around 4-4:30 ish. Twice a month, they have an activity after “hours” so to speak and I was lucky enough to be there for it. We played some jackbox.tv games and that’s when I learned for myself that just because you’re a missionary, that means nothing for their maturity levels. Wild. I left about 5:30 that day and then took a fat nap after that. That was my first day.

FRIDAY:

Friday was not nearly as chaotic the day before was which I was grateful for because I felt an overload of information and barely remember half of it. I woke up, did a bit of studying and got ready and was out the door by 7:20. I didn’t do my full hour of studying that morning, but since I was at the desk, I did a lot of it there. I had to be there by 8, but I got there a bit early so I could read more about the whole front desk procedure and not feel like an idiot. Because I was at the desk, I missed the morning devotional which I was actually pretty sad about. Made my first phone call, and I’m not saying I crushed it, but Pam Beesly better watch out. A little office reference as a treat. Another sister took over at about 9:45 so I went back to the mission office to find out what I would be doing for the day and the senior missionary that was there told me to do whatever I wanted. Sir, it is my second day and I have the confidence of a chicken nugget (which I am hoping to grow out of) I need you to tell me what to do so I don’t screw it up. There’s a sister there that we actually grew up in the same ward so it was nice to know a familiar face, but we then painted the ground for a bit and that was once of the most frustrating tasks I have ever done. It was a good thing I had a spare pair of clothes. PREPAREDNESS. We painted the ground yellow for the large equipment to be parked and the tape combined with the paint we used was no bueno. The edges came up and it peeled so if you ever find yourself at the studio, please don’t look at stage ones ground too closely.

That afternoons devotional thing was come follow me and the cool thing is, the Book of Mormon videos line up with the come follow me lessons which was not planned. We watched the new video that just came out yesterday. Fun fact, King Benjamin is also in a number of other films which makes sense. And word of advice, maybe don’t watch the videos with the missionaries that helped film it or edit them because wowee, they talk a lot during it. “That bit was in the back lot here. That’s in Goshen. That was in Hawaii. That’s in the back lot. That guy played Joseph Smith.” Okay, it was actually pretty cool to learn all that.

After all that jazz, we went back to painting and felt some more frustration with the paint, but we were able to finish it even it wasn’t the prettiest. I was able to go home about 3:30 that day. It was a long day, but it was cool to do some real service. I didn’t get any pictures which I’m kinda sad about now, but I’ll try my best this week.

Overall, it was a really good week and I felt the spirit so strongly around these missionaries. To see how hard they work and see what they enjoy was just so cool. I’m more than excited to see what’s to come the next 18 months. Heavenly Father definitely knew what was up when he put me here. Not only do I get to serve at the coolest place ever, but guess what? This counts as business experience for the future. I’m honestly so lucky and blessed.

It’s only been 2 days, but it’s been amazing so far. Stay tuned to feel jealous about my mission. Much love for you all and the support. Much love for this gospel.

-Sister Fannin

It’s my last week of work and it doesn’t feel real. I’ve been here for almost 2 years now. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go. I’ve met so many wonderful people and heard so many amazing stories. These guys are like family now. They hear all about my dating experiences. They hear about my family and how they’re doing. They hear all about my mission updates. I tell them a lot. Sometimes those are the last times I tell them about my life.

I do cartwheels for them. I turn on the radio and dance for them. I tell them jokes to make them laugh. I tell them they look nice to make them smile. I hug them and tell them I love them. I tell them I’ll miss them every time they leave. Sometimes that is the last time I talk to them.

I’ve held their hands when they’re sad. I’ve covered them with blankets when they’re cold. I listen to their stories even if it’s the 12th time. I take them food when they’re sick. Sometimes those are the last times I see them.

I’ve lost a lot of people here and it never gets easier. Nobody told me that they would become like family. Nobody told me this wouldn’t be just a normal job. Nobody told me that the worst thing is not being able to help them through the pain or to help them grieve when they lose a spouse. The most I can do is smile and maybe dance for them.

they are my friends. they are my family. I tease a lot of them, but that’s because I love them. I’ve learned a lot working here like how important it is just to love and be loved. I’ve learned that family is everything and sometimes you don’t have family so others step in. I’ve learned that life is too short to stress the little things. sometimes it’s hard that they don’t remember me or they don’t know my name. sometimes it’s hard when I lose of them and there’s nothing I can do except move on. it’s been a strange 2 years, but I’m more than grateful for them. in honor of a chapter closing, here a few of my favorite quotes or things that have happened here with no context.

“I just got some new hearing aids.” “Oh wonderful! Where did you get them from?” “What did you say?”

“I think you just need to get over yourself.”

“You look like you’re having boy troubles.”

“He asked me for my number and do you know what I told him? *looks around* heeeckkk no!”

“Hey Claire? Can I get a second opinion on this? Is that poop under the table?” To this day, we’re still not sure what it was

“Hey kid, where are my pills?” “I’m not sure. I just work in the kitchen.” “Haha alright. You don’t know. Funny.”

“My last name was Strong because I was a strong woman. I don’t take crap from anybody.” That lady was my role model.

“Sweetheart, I’m 93. I’m too old for this. I need a nap.” It was 6 PM

“I can’t hear what y’all are saying, but I know I want to be involved with the gossip.”

“I’ve got a problem. I can’t find my underwear.” She regularly lost her bra too.

“what’s the matta kid? Aye kid! What’s the matta?”

“You wanna make out?”

“Let me see if the girls want some dinner. Do you want some dinner? *looks at wall* No, they’re fine.”

“I’ve got so many bugs in here! Look, I just killed another!” *holds up a cake crumb*

*after eating frozen chicken strips* “That was the best meal I’ve had since I’ve been here!”

“He just wanted the money. And you know what he did? He was driving and just went, money. I want the money.”

that’s all. thank for reading. hope you had a laugh because I sure have

This past Monday, I finally received my mission call. I woke up from a nap to find a text message and email saying “Your mission call is now ready to be viewed.” If you ask my mother, the screams that came from my mouth almost sounded painful. I was in a daze, shocked. I ran up the stairs. “It’s here! It’s finally here, What do I do?” You spend so much time preparing for a moment that when it finally comes, you’re not really sure what to do. My dad was on his way to work and due to the storm, couldn’t turn around, but he pulled over to a gas station to listen. I grabbed my grandparents and brother and called my siblings and other grandparents and finally opened it.

My hands were shaking and my hair was messy and everything seemed to be moving so fast. I opened it and it starts out with, “Dear sister Fannin,” The usual, but I just started crying. After so much time, the moment was here and I was not ready. It gave a long explanation about how I will be held to high standards and serving the church is a blessing and all that fun stuff. It seemed to last forever. Finally, it said. “You are assigned to labor as a service missionary in your local community, giving Christlike services while living at home.” I’m gonna be honest, I rolled my eyes. Are you kidding me? I waited all that time just to find out that I’m staying home? I cried and not in a good way.

I’m embarrassed to say it, but I was not happy. I was disappointed. I was angry. I was upset. All of my friends are leaving or have left and they tell me all of the things to look forward to in the MTC or how strange it is in the mission field, and I get none of that. I don’t get the sad goodbyes which is lucky, but I wanted that. I even bought luggage last year, but I guess I won’t be needing that. I don’t get the joyful reunion at the airport. I don’t get the big farewell. I mean, I still get a farewell but it won’t be the same because I’ll see everybody the next week. I don’t get to call or email my family every week, because I’ll just tell them everything at dinner that night.

All of these things I looked forward to, and I’m not even leaving. I wanted to be grateful and I wanted to be excited, but I just wasn’t. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t capable of serving a full time mission, because I certainly was. I wanted to leave more than anything just so I could finally have something that was my own. My own journey. My own experiences. My own lessons. I still get that, just not in the way I wanted or expected.

These past few days have been full of crying. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going. Heavenly Father knew how much I wanted this. How badly I wanted to leave. I thought about the kids I went to school with that were forced to go on missions and still got to go somewhere cool. Didn’t He know that I wanted this more than anyone or anything? Didn’t He realize the sacrifices I made to get to this point? Didn’t He realize that I would consider not going if I were to stay home? I didn’t want to do it the moment I realized where I was going. What was the point? I wouldn’t be changing lives here. I would be stuck here while I got to hear everyone else’s experiences out in the field. I was not a happy camper.

I met with my stake president last night to talk about what exactly I would be doing. Spoiler alert, did you know that when you get your mission call that you have to write an acceptance letter? I thought by clicking ‘OK’ I was in the clear, guess not. Anyways, he asked how I was doing and if I was excited to serve. So I said yes, ya know, like a liar. We talked for a bit and he kept saying, “I bet you were confused when you got your call.” Sir, confused doesn’t even begin to cover it. He sat there for a minute and then said to me, “I get the strong impression that I need to remind you that this is not a lesser call and the Lord is very mindful of you in this time and that you need to trust in the Lord and have faith in the process.” If that doesn’t prove that the Lord speaks to people, I’m not sure what does. I tried my best not to be embarrassed, but I mean, come on. I basically lied to my stake president and he caught on almost immediately.

I’ve had a change of heart since I got my call. Thank goodness. I mean, I’m still kind of bummed that I don’t get the typical experiences, but I definitely get my own experiences that not many other people do. There’s a lot to be grateful for. I finally have answers. Some. I still don’t know where exactly I’ll be serving. I have to wait for a senior couple in my area to contact me and then we’ll decide where I want to go. My call said that I would start within 30 days, but I’m kind of hoping it’s longer for many reasons. I’ll be quitting my job. I think. I hope. Might be buying a car, but that is still way up in the air. A lot of change still.

I think I’ve finally accepted that I’m staying home. It’s a weird feeling, but I guess I’m kind of glad I’m stuck here for another 18 months. The people here are really good to me, and I’m not sure I could find that anywhere else. Be on the lookout for updates.

I appreciate the support through absolutely everything. It’s been the longest and most frustrating process of my life, but we made it. Mostly. I want to say thank you to my parents who have been through every appointment and have listened to every rant. They’ve dried every tear and offered their continued support to me and it means the world. There have been plenty of times they could have told me to suck it up, but they didn’t. Much love for them and all they do for me.

To my friends who have let me come over just to cry and vent for not knowing anything, I appreciate it greatly. To my ward family who have watched me grow up, sorry for the ages of 12-18, not sure what happened, but I’m glad you still talk to me and support me. To my coworkers who see more mental breakdowns than I care to admit, I’m glad you’re in my life. Thanks for putting up with early morning Claire. There are sooo many people to thank, but just know I appreciate absolutely everything you have done for me. For reaching out. Not to brag, but I’ve got the best support system out there.

here’s to an unknown future and many lessons to be learned like gratitude and faith. all the love, claire

These past few weeks have been a struggle.

“Claire, have you heard anything about your mission call?”

“So, anything?”

“Man, I don’t know what I would do if I was in your place.”

“You’ve had to wait how long?”

It’s endless. I get it though. We all just want to know where I’m going. That’s what really matters, right?

Not quite. The point of me going is to teach people about my Savior and the sacrifices He’s made for us. To teach people of the gospel and the joy it gives me.

Yes, I’ll go somewhere cool for 18 months, but it’s not where I’m going that matters most to me. It’s what I’m doing that I care about.

In other news, no, I don’t have my mission call which explains why these few weeks have been hard. I checked in with my bishop to see where my papers were at. They’re at the church headquarters waiting for assignment. I’m pretty sure anyways.

These past 2 days have been full of ugly crying and frustration and yelling. Too much yelling. The whole sobbing thing was gross and I’m glad no one witnessed it. To the full extent that is. I was yelling today because I STILL DON’T HAVE MY CALL! I see other people leaving and getting their calls and I’m still here. Oh boy. It’s frustrating for SURE. I felt the need that I had to reassure everyone that it’s fine and it’s really not a big deal that I’ve been waiting 24 days for my call. Since the last time I resubmitted my papers that is.

Today I was frustrated because it seemed my papers had only moved a smidge and I felt like I wasn’t really a priority. To anyone really. It’s not personal, I swear. I was talking to a friend and I was CONVINCED that there wasn’t anything anyone could say to me that I haven’t heard already or I didn’t know or that wouldn’t help me. Then it was like the Lord knew exactly what I needed. I was talking to a friend and explaining my frustration and how nothing seemed to help. Out of the blue she says, “God hasn’t forgotten about you.” In that moment, I felt guilt. It was something so simple that I knew, but I needed to hear it.

I may get frustrated why I still don’t have my call, but I have to remind myself why I’m getting the call in the first place. This isn’t about me or where I’m going. It’s all about what I’m doing and if that means that I have to go through all of these trials and all of this waiting for one person, than I’ll do it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it means I’m helping just one person.

Dear, Claire. Stop crying, you’re fine. Life really isn’t as bad as you think.

And to my lovely friends and family that have endlessly supported me through all of the madness, much love. This journey would be much more difficult without you in it.

Don’t forget that God hasn’t forgotten about you. He loves you more than any of us could know.

All the love, Claire.

Ps, if you have been one of the people that’s asked me about my call, I’m not upset or annoyed. I really get it. After not knowing anything for awhile, I’d want to know what’s up. Much love

A year ago, I thought I would be on a mission by now. I’m obviously not and I’ve gotta say I’m kinda grateful for that. I was nowhere near ready when I wanted to leave and everybody kept telling me that I would never be ready which isn’t exactly comforting.

Let’s rewind a bit. I started the year with every hope that I would be in the mission field by summertime. I had no expectations that I would go through the trials that I did, but I sure am grateful that I did. I thought I struggled with my mental health last year, but this year only proved worse. This isn’t some pity party of me saying “Hey, my brain sucks sometimes and makes me cry over dumb things. Feel bad for me.” It’s an awareness thing of me saying “Hey, my brain gets confused and sometimes I cry over dumb things and that’s okay. You’re not alone in your bad days. I get it.”

I cried more times this year than I ever thought I could. I once cried for an hour because of some unexpected thing that came up which turned out to be not a big deal. I cried 11 times in one week. I cried a lot over my residents that passed away. I cried over a lot over car troubles. I cried over boys. I cried over work and how emotionally taxing it can be somedays. I cried over how stuck I felt in life. I cried over slow progression. I cried during movies. I cried because I was so grateful for all the support I have in my life. I cried because I really felt my Saviors love. I cried because I am human.

I took a few trips with one of my best friends and saw a lot of cool things. I traveled to Florida again learned the importance of cellphones, but also the importance of family. I started teaching sunbeams. Went on some really bad dates. I went to the temple a lot this year. I learned the importance of patience. I learned how easy it is to get upset when someone doesn’t understand what I mean when I say I’ve waited a fat minute for my mission call. I learned even more how dumb some boys can be. It’s not personal, boys, but please remember that girls have feelings and aren’t just objects. I learned a few more songs on the piano. I learned that you can still love people and be nice to them, but you can also not put up with them if they’re toxic. It’s okay to let people go. I learned how important it is to validate your feelings and to not ignore them or put them off.

This year was trying in a lot of ways, but for the first time in my life, I learned how to be grateful for the trials and to learn from them. I’d like to say I’ve grown a lot from the beginning of this year compared to now. I’ve finally got it together. I wear my retainer every night again. I make my bed every morning. I brush my teeth twice a day and floss every night. I pretty much only drink water now. My room is clean and a lot more organized than before. I’m still late to work every morning, but I’m working on that. This isn’t me saying “I’m sure you have had a bad year, but look at me doing so good.” This is me saying “I was kind of a train wreck before and didn’t know how to handle my emotions, but I’m doing a lot better now. It takes time and that’s okay.”

Something I struggled a lot with this year was the fact that everybody seemed to be progressing except for me. People would ask for updates and it seemed that I was in the same place as before. Just hanging out. It is okay to go your own pace. It is okay to have bad days. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be frustrated with where you are at in your life. It is okay to feel confused with what you should be doing. You are not alone. Mental health is so important and it is okay to say “I’m having some kind of day today.” It can be a good day or a bad day or even just a day because days like that happen. You’re doing great. Don’t forget to drink lots of water and tell yourself at least one thing you love about yourself today even if it’s the fact that you got out of bed.

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope it’s a beautiful day for all you beautiful people.

My friend and I have been planning this trip for little over a month and half. Nothing too fancy, just to southern California.

We left at the early hour of 6 AM on Monday morning. Stopped at Vegas. Met Elvis. And then another couple of hours later, made it to our hotel where I am pretty sure people are living in some of the rooms.

I’ve discovered a few things while I’m here. Californians are mean. They either don’t use their turn signal, leave it on for a few minutes without actually getting over, or use it for .02 seconds so you aren’t sure if they bumped it or are getting over quickly. At one point, a man cut off my friend while driving and then gave her the finger as if it was her fault. Excuse me, sir.

Tuesday was beach day and let me tell you, it was more gorgeous than I could have ever hoped for. We woke up at around 6 AM California time. No alarms, just happened to wake up then. We decided to get an early start to the day and head over to one of the beaches, but first, breakfast at Denny’s with the most adorable waiter and the typical regulars. Finally, the beach. It was smoggy as ever, but still oh so beautiful. You look out and there’s clouds covering the sea and there’s a sense of serenity. There could be a million animals in the ocean that we don’t even know about. Spooky. We walked around and then headed to another beach where it was probably even more smoggy, but still pretty. We hung out there, took a nap, watched some seagulls scream at each other, then left to walk around. It was this small little beach town with tiny little shops and adorable cafes. Bought some items and then went to another beach where I’m pretty sure this is where I got burned like an unattended fry in a frying pan. Swam a bit and then got some overpriced gelato. We ate it in this scary alleyway because adventures are fun. There was a man that turned the corners and looked at us and said, “Ladies.” To which I replied as he walked away, “I think I’m in love.” Thus becoming one of our favorite phrases of the trip.

Wednesday was Disneyland. I was a bit nervous for this one, but it turned out to be one of the best days ever. Met Peter Pan which was one of my silly dreams and boy was it an experience. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He was a fun man. Went on all the fun rollercoasters where I probably screamed too much. Ate some more overpriced food where we then adopted our other favorite phrase. Big chungus. I feel like a big chungus. Probably got more sunburned. My feet were aching, but one of the funnest times of my life.

Thursday. Oof Thursday. We decided to go to LA. Never again. The traffic? Horrible. Blinkers? Not here. Mean people? Everywhere. We went to a museum where we paid an arm and a leg for parking. Got some lunch which was really good. Tried to find Elton John’s star on the walk of fame, but nobody told me that the stars are literally 3 miles basically and they’re not even on the same street. They’re like on different blocks. We gave up on trying to walk to it because there was so many homeless people and my heart truly goes out to them. It’s seriously heartbreaking to see so many people in such awful conditions. Also a lot of them seemed to be on drugs which is why we did not feel comfy as 2 girls walking alone in Hollywood. We could have driven, but parking is ridiculous and expensive. We had tickets to sit in a live TV show audience which was one of the many things we were looking forward to on this trip. Parking was, no joke, 2 miles away from the studio and we weren’t allowed to bring our phones because of recording things. There was no shuttle or anything to take us, so we decided to give up and head back to the hotel. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t witness any car accidents with how awful people were driving. And people kept trying to stop us and talk to us when we were walking and they clearly did not see our terrified faces as we tried to walk away from them. The drive home was not one for the faintest of hearts. It took us a little over 2 hours when it should have only taken us an hour. Random stops all the time. Ridiculous, but that didn’t stop us from serenading anybody with their windows rolled down.

Overall, a trip to remember. Absolutely liberating to finally to do a real big kid adventure. Officially decided that although the beachy areas are cute, Utah is where I belong. For a little while at least. Until next time, California, May your residents learn some manners and how to properly use a turn signal.

If I were to be be good at anything, it’d be procrastination. I mean, I literally procrastinated my own birth. My poor mother was in labor with me for a solid week. Bless her soul, but she did get the wonderful blessing of me. #humblebrag

I started my mission papers back in December. I know what you’re thinking. “Holy crap. That was like a long time ago. You still haven’t submitted your papers yet?” I know, I know. Slightly embarrassing, but let me tell you why. I started my papers then simply because I could and because I was able to start my papers then, that is obviously when I should start them. Hey, Claire, that’s not how things work. There’s a little thing we like to call “The Lord’s timing”.

It wasn’t until about a month ago that this kinda occurred to me. I was talking to my mom about how extremely frustrated I was that all of my friends were getting their mission calls and it seemed to me that there was one thing after the other that I still had to do, and then my mom being all wise and powerful said, “Hey, did you ever think about how maybe you just aren’t supposed to go yet?” Hey, um, did you ever think of telling me this sooner? What the heck, Claire.

The whole mission paper thing was a real struggle and a half. I started them and I was all excited and then about 2 months later after not really working on them, I was like, “Hold up, I never actually prayed about this. My life wasn’t working out so I just kind of figured this is what I gotta do.” And thus we get to the phase of our life where it’s us drinking Mt Dew whilst watching Bohemian Rhapsody for the millionth time at 2 am and painting while we mutter over and over, “What am I doing with my life?” Then I was all, “Yo, prayed about it, Feelin good. I feel good. Lovin myself. All is well.” And then life says, “Oh, you’re doing good? Psyche, here’s some mental health issues. You thought that was rough? Now try and look in the mirror and think you’re pretty. You won’t.” Then that was a whole thing so put off the papers YET AGAIN. Finally got my papers done, just had to submit them to my bishop, but I was terrified. This is a big life change. I’m just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world, and by lonely world I mean I had a few friends and most of them were in their 70’s. I had to leave everything behind to hopefully change some peoples lives for 18 months? I could barely handle high school at times.

My sister called me up and told me that the missionaries were coming over that night to share a message and that I should come. I was not about to pass up the opportunity to meet some cute missionaries. Hey, you can look at the menu, you just can’t order. So I went over and was telling the cute elders how I was scared out of mind to submit my papers. They gave me some good advice and then prayed for me. You read that right. Cute elder missionary man prayed for me. I went home and submitted my papers to the bishop that night.

Finally my life was back on track and nothing was gonna stop me now. WAIT. Of course something else had to come up. The following Sunday, my bishop got released. I had known my bishop since I was 12 and we were best pals. Now you’re telling me that as soon as I had gotten my life together, he was no longer my bishop? I had to meet with my new bishop and talk to him. I told him how I wanted to meet with my therapist one last time to see how she felt about me going and if I could learn anything else to help me cope with my mental health issues. That went great. Now I had to meet back with my bishop and then hopefully the stake president, but of course not because that would be too easy. My bishop explained to me that because I had put down on my papers that I struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, I had to do what’s called a “pre mission assessment”. It’s basically the same thing I did with my therapist, but official.

I got the paper work for that and let me tell you. I had struggled with anxiety in the past, but for some reason, after seeing some of the questions it had asked me, my anxiety was through the roof. I mean, panic attacks, nervousness anytime I thought about the paperwork, more crying. It was no bueno. After 2 weeks and many, many words of encouragement from my lovely friends and family, the paperwork was filled out. Spoiler alert, the paperwork wasn’t that bad and I was just being overdramatic. My biggest fear with the assessment was that they were going to tell me I couldn’t go. That I was too emotional. That my issues were bigger than I was.

I was supposed to have my assessment this morning, but I had to work and had no way to get out of it. I’ve gotta schedule another for some other time where I am free, but that’s besides the point. The point is, if it were up to me, I would have left back in June. I wanted to leave right after my birthday, but Heavenly Father has a funny way of doings things. You’ve got to learn a few things. Grow and stretch a bit. Maybe figure a bit more about yourself. Like I said earlier, I was frustrated all of my friends were getting their calls and getting ready to leave and it seemed that I was in the same place as I was 6 months ago. The truth is, I’m not. 6 months ago, I struggled with some of the worst depression I had ever dealt with in my life. 6 months ago, there were days I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror and had to cover it with a blanket. 6 months ago,I relied too much on others to fix my own problems instead of admitting I had issues and fixing them myself.

As much as I wanted to go as soon as I turned 19, I wasn’t ready. I’ve learned that instead of getting upset with coworkers or random drivers, loving was a lot easier and a lot kinder. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not always be my best and there are different versions of the best me everyday. I’ve learned that going my own pace and doing what I feel comfortable with is not a bad thing and I should never feel like a burden if I go a bit slow. I’ve learned that no matter what, Heavenly Father has always got my back even if it feels like I’ve messed up too much or cried too much or even if I feel alone. I’ve learned that I’ve still got a long ways to go until I truly am the best version of me, but for now, we’ve got to celebrate the little victories and understand that we are all trying.

We choose to come unto Christ knowing that we can be perfect, not alone, but with Him. Perfection doesn’t happen overnight with anything. It’s okay to stumble. Just know that Christ always has His hand outstretched to us whether we want it or not.

That’s all I got. I’ll let you all know as soon as the papers are submitted. I know we’re all dying for that day to happen 😉

all the love x

I often find myself enjoying life for what it is, but then getting confused and slightly concerned when it seems things have been going too smoothly for too long. It’s a dangerous mindset to be living in sometimes. The fear of something bad lurking around the corner. I’ve also learned to ignore it and just embrace the moments I live in. It can be nice to take a step back from the world and to admire everything around you. I feel like it’s made me more optimistic. I could be stressed about a number of things, but the flowers will still bloom, the sun will still shine, life goes on.

That’s not to say there isn’t bad days. There’s plenty of those, but it all depends on how you react. The mental breakdowns do happen, but eventually you gotta take a deep breath and just take it one step at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed by all things you’ve gotta accomplish. As I like to say, “You’ve got this Babushka!” One, because it motivates me and two, because Babushka is a funny word and it makes me giggle. So bam, killing two birds with one stone by believing in yourself and making yourself smile.

It’s kinda crazy to see how far we’ve all come in life. At one point, my favorite color was black and I was known to hate everything and just always have a negative outlook on life really. Now, my favorite color is yellow and I try to see the good in everything. I’ve learned to love in different ways I didn’t know was possible. And even though I typically cry 4 times a week, I seem to find joy in almost everything.

There wasn’t some defining moment for this. There wasn’t any given moment where I just woke up one day and was like, “Ah, yeah. I’m gonna be a normal member of society now.” There wasn’t some crazy love story where I met a boy that changed my life. It just kind of happened, but I am grateful for it either way.

It’s taken me a year of working with old people to truly realize what a blessing everything is and how little things matter. While I’ve been in Florida for the past week, my phone has decided to have a number of issues wrong with it including, randomly shutting off without any warning. While this has been a struggle, it’s also been an incredible blessing in a way. I didn’t know how much I relied on my phone. Cue all the 50 year old moms who all say “Those kids just don’t know how to live without those cellphones.” Not you, mom. Please do not get mad. I’ve learned the importance of living in the moment. To look up around you and enjoy the world outside. To truly admire your family and to treasure every moment with them.

Life is a special thing. There’s also lots of negativity in the world. Try to look for the good instead, no matter how hard it is. Below, I’ve listed a few good things that have happened in the world lately that I enjoy, but a few last minute thoughts first. Look up from your phones. Be in the moment. Enjoy time with your family, or if you don’t have any family, make some new friends. You’ll never know what you’re missing out on. Go for a walk. Unless you’re in Utah right now where it is apparently raining all the time, be grateful for the moisture. Life is short. Make it count. Now, on to the good news.

This article is from October of last year, but it’s still good news either way. https://www.sciencealert.com/good-news-happening-in-the-world-right-now-science-nature-everything-sucks

here’s a few of my favorites.

young gorillas have learned to dismantle poacher traps. nice one for the apes.

Australia is one track to become the first country to wipe out one type of cancer which is cervical cancer. I always knew the Aussies were cool.

NASA has released all of its research to the public for free. now you too can feel like a space genius without actually leaving your house.

and last, but definitely not least. scientists have classified a brand new type of celestial phenomenon and they named it Steve. I guess this makes up for what they did to Pluto.

this one is mostly animal pictures, but we’re not complaining. https://goodstuffhappenedtoday.tumblr.com/

and lastly, 99 good things that happened in 2018. https://qz.com/1501642/the-99-best-things-that-happened-in-2018/

I hope this encourages you to look for the good, because it is there. Life goes on, even if you don’t want it to. Don’t forget to not let it pass you by. You’ll miss too much.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton